Mother’s Groups

30. April 2008, 6:42 amI think too muchKin

What is it about mother’s groups that make one feel completely inadequate, stupid, and totally out of place?

Or is it just me?

A friend invited me along to one run by the local health clinnic. So last week I went along. I figured even though this is my third child I might still learn something, and since they never had a mother’s group when M&M was born, I thought I’d check it out.

I have never felt so out of place in my life. I bolted without even saying goodbye to my friend. I felt sick, completely alone and like the worst mother in the world (well, maybe not the worst, cause, you know, I don’t beat my kids or neglect them or anything, but pretty close). If I listened to all the advice I was given I would have:

Demanded hearing tests for all my kids because clearly they have a hearing problem and their speech is delayed by this.
Immediately started expressing so Hubby could feed Miss Moo at 11pm, whether she wants it or not, so she will sleep through the night (because apparently midnight to 6am is not long enough) and stop feeding in the middle of the night if she wants it, somewhat related to #3
Immediately put Miss Moo in her own bed - which would mean getting out of bed whenever she needed anything, having her have to cry to wake me up (currently she kicks me in the back when she’s hungry ) thus waking the whole household (I sleep like a log) and causing everyone to be tired and grumpy.
Stopped carrying her in a sling - despite the fact I like having two free hands when I have two toddlers. It’s really handy.
Insist on daily nappy free time even though she cries every time I change her clothes. Meh, I like my neighbours. I want them to talk to me. Not to child services.

*Contrary to the fact I co-sleep, use cloth nappies, breastfeed and carry my child in a sling, I’m not a hippy. My first two children were bottle and or formula fed from 8 and 6 weeks respectively. Neither of the older two have slept with us (they snore if nothing else) and wore disposable nappies. My parenting philosophy is “whatever works and as long as Mum, Bub and Dad are happy, rock on”. Ok, so maybe I’m a little bit of a hippy

So it’s no wonder I was a little apprehensive about going back this week. Fortunately (for once) the stars have collided to prevent me from having to face the judgmental cliques for at least two more weeks. Yesterday not only did I have an assignment to keep me away (Tuesday is the only day I’m home all day with only one child. Lots of cleaning and study gets done then), but my car was getting fixed. Leaving me no option but to stay home and ~~watch lots of youtube~~ get lots of study done. And next week my father will be here. I’m sure he can think of a better way to spend a morning than in a cramped room with 20 mums, 20 babies and 20 prams. Then again, so can I.

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12 comments:

Kerrie (17 comments.), 30. April 2008, 10:34

Ditto! I never found one that I felt comfortable in, so I just stopped trying. At that age B didn’t care if we hung around other kids or not, and I could certainly do without it! I’m still selective even now!!
Lightening (33 comments.), 30. April 2008, 10:52

I pretty much stayed away from those kinds of things as much as I could. SO many opinions and SO many people who think their way is the ONLY way. Come ON people!!!! Open your eyes and see that the world does NOT revolve around you!!!!!

I think what you’re doing is great!!!! Does that help???
Jodi in Vic (4 comments.), 30. April 2008, 11:17

Welcome to the world of Mother’s Group Failures! I went to mothers group when H was tiny. My group, aside from being WAY too big, was actually pretty cool. To start off with… There was one formula feeder, everyone else breastfed, and nobody seemed to give a toss; where the babies slept wasn’t actually discussed much; we learned some interesting things about development; bit of baby massage etc etc.

I was keen to go, as my friends had either *had* their kids or weren’t ever having kids. All of the Bloke’s mates were breeding but I had *issues* so they weren’t going to be my new best friends.

After the first few weeks, though - people’s true colours started to emerge… I had to put my 3mo in child care. I was studying - something I was COMMITTED to from before I had kids, and something I couldn’t put on hold (allowable time and all that). Did the claws come out or what???

I persevered for almost a year, and went to a couple of things after that… But the pettiness, the bitchery, the “My kid’s better than your kid” crap. EEUUWWW. Nah, not for me.

I *did* get along really well with two of the women, though, and would consider one of them to be a good friend now. We started to meet every month or so independently of the rest of the group. Still chat by phone and compare notes (her son has Aspergers, so she checks out what is ‘normal’ five year old crap in amongst the Aspie stuff)

And two others of my friends also ‘failed’ mothers group! The things we all have in common - we’re matter of fact, you do what works for you and your kid kind of people. All you need for your kid is something to carry it with, somewhere for it to sleep and something to feed it with and if that happens to be you, with you and from you - great. And if it’s the latest you-beaut stroller, a six piece matching bedroom setting from Motherworld, and gourmet formula - that’s great too (although, just between you and me, moderately insane)

So yeah, you do what works for you and nod and smile. A lot!
(ps - there’s a piece in my blog about the whole parenting thing if you haven’t seen it)
Kin (32 comments.), 30. April 2008, 14:47

Kerrie - I totally agree mate, I so don’t need the rubbish that is spewed forth. I’m actually going to post a bit of a follow up to this later in the week. I can’t believe it’s bothered me this much.

Lightening - Thanks for the thumbs up All I really need is her beautiful grins at me whenever she sees me to know I’m doing all the right things. You’d think after three kids I’d be over it.

Jodi - Thanks for the essay LOL. I think part of my problem is there’s two distinct groups, and I don’t really fit in either one. there’s the mid-thirties “I’m taking a break from my career” type, and then there’s the early 20’s “This is my career for the rest of my life” types. Being 27, studying to start my second career in about 4 or 5 years, and having older children at home and having been a SAHM for the last 18 months doesn’t really fit into either of those categories. I just have to be different ;). Like I said, I’ve got more to say on this issue. After my assignment is done
Amy (5 comments.), 30. April 2008, 16:13

I never felt that I fitted in. I wasn’t in either group either. I was early 20’s, about to have kids and then fit a career around them later. I always knew I wanted something else too though.

I go to playgroup and am finding that to be just as bad as of late. Although its only 2 of the 10 that are the petty ones.

Go for as long as it suits you, then get out. your older 2 girls survived I am sure this one will too.
Kelley (43 comments.), 30. April 2008, 16:53

I hated mothers groups. Don’t know how the biatches managed it but by the time I found any groups the nasty little high school cliques had formed. With Moo I was ‘too young’, Too I was ‘too young to have two!’ and Boo ‘the mother of that really fucking weird kid that instead of painting with green, paints the word green, she must be forcing him to do that to try and show us up, lets hide the coffee from her’

Arsehats.

Find another group babe, perhaps making your own Gin group?
Meg (7 comments.), 30. April 2008, 19:02

Kin - do you really need *excuses* not to go? IMO life’s too short for (unnecessary) situations that make you uncomfortable or leave you feeling bad about yourself. If it’s for your friend, maybe you can schedule “coffee” time for just the two of you - she should understand that it’s just not your scene.

Heaven knows your life is complicated enough for you at the moment and besides which, you have “us”
Bettina (80 comments.), 30. April 2008, 23:07

Don’t go back. Tell your friend that you are very sorry, but it’s just not for you.

lol

oh I sympathise I really do, but the kind of mother’s group you’ve just described is clearly for the neurotic mums, and that’s not you at all!
Snoskred (4 comments.), 1. May 2008, 0:39

Well I’ve only got cats, but I would tend to take the advice in number one as both my nephews had really bad glue ear which did interfere not only with speech and hearing but ability to travel on planes. It can be worth getting a hearing test just to make sure all is fine and dandy. Then you know it is fine and dandy and you can say “Yes, they had a hearing test, and all is fine and dandy, so thanks for the (unwanted and unnecessary) advice - is there anything going on with your kids that I can shove my amazing solutions down *your* throat today?”

Groups like that are just one of the (millions) of reasons that I decided to have cats, not kids.

It is really odd that people become sudden experts in parenting etc just because they manage to pop one out, and then they feel like they have to make everyone else either do the same things they did, or feel guilty for doing things differently. But I don’t think this just applies to parenting, though.

The whole breast vs formula thing.. eew. The make people feel guilty because they chose one or the other for whatever reasons, eew. The sticking of unwanted noses into ones personal business, eew.
Kin (32 comments.), 1. May 2008, 9:32

Amy - Thanks All I do is look at her and know she’s thriving. I’d never really been to one before, so it was all a bit off-putting really. I did the playgroup thing with M&M when Kiki as a baby, but all the playgroups here have like 50 families. Imagine the cliques that form there.

Kelley - I can well imagine the reception you would have got. Everyone was clearly intimidated by your awesomeness (did I spell it right?). Aren’t you lucky to find all your internet lovlies who love and fear you for it?

Meg - you are so right. I went to an ABA group on the Thursday of last week, and apart from being quite a bit smaller (only 8 Mums) I knew some of them (one used to be Kiki’s daycare teacher, another is a midwife at the hospital, I met one once in a shoe shop). Much more on my wavelength also. I’ll be going back there.

Bettina - me? Not neurotic? Well, I suppose not. I’ll definitely think seriously before I do go back. Meanwhile I still need to make an appointment for my poor baby’s first checkup at the health clinic. Poor Kiki never went at all. I think Miss Moo will suffer the same fate.

Snos - I have had concerns in the past about the girls hearing, M&M in particular, but the doctor checks her out, and declares her fine and even above normal in her speech. Apparently I’m just not breeding over-achievers like everyone else. And oooh, the guilt word. These groups (and many health professionals included) find it so easy today to lay guilt on a parent. Actually I read an article recently that said despite the fact women are spending, on average, twice as much time interacting with their children now, as they did in the 60’s, a vast majority of women feel guilty at not spending enough time with their children. Says it all really.
Trish (13 comments.), 1. May 2008, 12:19

My parenting philosophy is “whatever works and as long as Mum, Bub and Dad are happy, rock on”. Ok, so maybe I’m a little bit of a hippy … Ditto

I agree - I do all of these things and still do at 22 months ‘co-sleep, use cloth nappies, breastfeed (extended) and carry my child in a sling (did -buggers are too heavy now and can’t carry two easily)’ , not that I consider myself any better than the next loving mum but hey it does work for us.

I would flunk mothers’ group too.

#1 - Not knowing your story but my 22 months old don’t talk much - though they can hear and understand very well.
#5 - I didn’t have time to have two rolling in poop or pee.
Katrina (9 comments.), 1. May 2008, 15:32

I kept away from any of those type of groups because every time I went to one I just came home and cried (sometimes for several days) I decided for my mental health to never go near them again as I obviously wasn’t perfect enough to belong as that seemed to be what they were expecting